I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Green mimosas i think yes
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
