he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
