I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
