We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
