Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
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