3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Randomize
