So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
