Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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