I'm going to rape someone's good day.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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