Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
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