Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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