i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
accomplished twins. life is a go
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Randomize
