I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
