When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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