The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
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