Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
