On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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