I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Randomize