I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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