if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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