I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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