I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
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