Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
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