Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Randomize
