This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
