I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Randomize
