My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Randomize
