I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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