May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
