Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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