Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
