If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
