okay pat passed out under dana's car
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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