chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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