he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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