the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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