i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Randomize
