Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
