There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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