when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
