I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
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