so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
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