Sry I called you an 8
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
My day in three words: secret purse cake
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Randomize
