yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Your mouth is God's brothel.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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