That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
We just shotgunned beers for America
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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