Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
