I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
