In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
