how hairy? two words: wookie tits
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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