I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize
