we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
Randomize
