Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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